I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
