unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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