We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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