You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
this will be a night to untag.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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