you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
