and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
