1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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