I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Randomize