How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
