I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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