the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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