Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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