wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
