After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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