The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
