Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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