I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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