It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
