Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
