I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize