I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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