I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
