Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
