I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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