I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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