Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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