so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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