Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
