Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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