i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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