I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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