i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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