I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize