I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
God, I missed his penis.
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