i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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