I skipped work to stalk him.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
