need another drink. this is the easiest way
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
