just tell him i said nine months
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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