I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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