and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
