Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
