woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
