I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
