please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
