The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
