I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
birth control should be required to get into college
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
