I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize