tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I intend to get homeless drunk
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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