im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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