Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
