Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
