We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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