he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
