Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I stole a fireplace last night.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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