i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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