if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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