Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
